


I Don't Know How to Love Him

by MissJanjie



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:28:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23420944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissJanjie/pseuds/MissJanjie
Summary: While spring cleaning, Nicky realizes a musical memory is the key to Jan accepting his real feelings towards Jackie.
Relationships: Jan Sport/Jackie Cox
Comments: 4
Kudos: 39





	I Don't Know How to Love Him

“What have you there?” Nicky asked, joining Jan on the floor, sat among a small pile of boxes. “Photo albums?”

Jan smiled and nodded. “This is from… junior year of high school, maybe senior. We did Jesus Christ Superstar for the spring musical,” he recalled. 

“I didn’t realize you went to such a religious school.”

He laughed and shook his head. “I didn’t, it’s not like it sounds,” he assured. 

“Can you sing me something from it?” Nicky asked brightly, resting his elbow on his knee to prop his arm up and rest his chin on his hand. 

Jan tilted his head to think, then sat upright and cleared his throat. “I might be a little rusty,” he warned before singing a bit of _I Don’t Know How to Love Him_.

Nicky applauded when he was done before letting out a quiet laugh. “In a way it sounds familiar, does it not?” 

“Oh, you’ve heard of it?”

“Non, I mean lyrically.”

He narrowed his eyes at his friend as he tried to figure out what he was getting at. But after a moment he gave up and chose to be direct instead. “What do you mean?”

As if it should have been obvious, Nicky gave a dramatic eye roll. “This sounds a lot like your crush on Jackie, it’s kind of…” he gestured vaguely until the phrase came to him, “Art imitating life.”

Despite how casually the comment was made, Jan blushed and sputtered as he tried to speak. “I-I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he insisted. 

Nicky snorted. “Are you for serious right now?” He asked incredulously. “Even before you first told me, we could all see you get puppy eyes when he was around you. And you’ve only gotten worse, honestly.” 

“Okay, okay,” Jan gave in. “So, I have feelings for him, I still think it’s a stretch to–”

“Bitch, it is not a stretch!” He put a hand out to signal him to stop. “Every time you’ve had a chance to be honest with him you’ve got some excuse like ‘it’s too complicated’ or ‘I’m too conflicted’, or your greatest hit ‘I wouldn’t want to risk our friendship,’” he mocked. 

He swallowed thickly, looking at his friend with a glare. “I still think those are valid excuses. Do you know how uncomfortable it would be if he knew I liked him and he didn’t feel the same?” 

Nicky pinched the bridge of his nose. “About as uncomfortable as it is to watch you pining like a sixteen year old girl. You know it’s just as likely the feelings are mutual, right? Probably more.” 

Jan looked down, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. “Those still aren’t great odds.”

“ _Putain merde_ , you are impossible,” he muttered, getting his phone out to pull up the song lyrics. “Aha! It all makes sense now.”

“You’re not actually going to psychoanalyze me through a song, are you?”

“I can and will,” Nicky retorted confidently. “She makes a point, you’re scared that he’ll actually like you and you won’t know what to do with yourself.”

He lay back on the floor and groaned. “Remind me to stop myself before I confide in you again.”

“Truth hurts, baby. At least finish these boxes before you check out, yeah?”

———

In the days following his conversation with Nicky, Jan spent time dwelling on what he said. He wouldn’t outright admit he was right – he would never give Nicky the satisfaction, he would never hear the end of it. But he could acknowledge that he might have been sabotaging himself. 

That still didn’t tell him what to do, though. Especially not when Jackie invited him out to lunch. Even though lunch is a very normal platonic activity they have done together on numerous occasions. 

Jan was nervous now and he blamed it on Nicky entirely. He changed his outfit three times, though even after the third he wasn’t as comfortable as he’d hoped. At least he was able to skip coffee that morning, his anxiety had him wide awake and bouncing on the balls of his feet. He even got to the café early - too early, he decided, and he did a lap around the block before actually going inside. 

“Hey!” Jackie came in shortly after, greeting him with a hug. “You look great, how have you been?” 

Despite everything, Jackie’s presence calmed him instantly. He was warm and familiar, it was why he could never forget about how he felt. “Pretty good, been doing some spring cleaning, nothing super interesting.”

“Oh yeah, Nicky said he was helping you with that.”

Jan’s face paled and his heart jumped in his throat. “Did… Nicky say anything else?”

Jackie furrowed his brows, looking at him from across the table when they sat down. “No, why? Was he supposed to?”

“Nope, not at all,” he answered quickly, his eyes fixated exclusively on the menu, even though he wasn’t actually reading anything yet. 

“You seem a little off. Is everything alright?” 

Either Jackie could read him like a book, or he was terrible at doing anything but wearing his heart on his sleeve. Maybe it was both. Regardless, Jan knew he was running out of excuses. “Kind of a loaded question, I guess,” he finally answered. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” He asked with a sympathetic frown.

Jan strummed his fingers against the table. “Undecided.”

“Take your time,” Jackie reached out and gave his arm a gentle squeeze. “You know I’ll always be here.”

He put his hand on top of his, looking out the window. It meant a lot to hear him say that, but even _then _he doubted how unconditional it truly was. His gaze drifted back to him and he sighed. “I just… I love you,” he whispered.__

__“Aw, I love you too,” he cooed and moved his hand to lightly caress his cheek before retracting it to his side._ _

__Jan groaned and buried his head in his hands. “No, no, you don’t get it,” he insisted, pushing his hands through his hair and exhaling deeply. He could hear his heart pounding in his ears and he was starting to get dizzy. There was no going back now, was there? “I don’t love you like a sister or a friend, I…” he whined softly. “Don’t make me say it again.”_ _

__This wasn’t who he was and he hated it. He hated having to break his cheerful demeanor, especially when it meant he had to be vulnerable and scared. Maybe that was why Nicky comparing his situation to a song was what got through to him - it was always easier to rely on someone else’s words to convey emotion, he never felt more relaxed than when he was performing. Hell, that was part of why he loved drag, he got to be the best version of himself and channel all of his energy into it._ _

__But Jackie saw through all those layers, he lifted the veil without even trying. That was what captured his heart, and now it all hung in the balance._ _

__“I… god, Charlie, I had no idea,” Jackie finally said, clearly still processing the confession._ _

__“Really?” The laugh he let out was devoid of the room-lighting joy it normally went hand-in-hand with. “Nicky made it seem like it was so obvious.”_ _

__He shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck. “Maybe Nicky notices things I missed. I wish I’d known sooner, it sounds like you’ve been hanging onto this for a while.”_ _

__Jan looked down, trying to steady and calm himself. “What’re you trying to say, then?”_ _

__Jackie pushed up his glasses, rubbing the base of his palm into his eye. “That I wish I had something planned out, you’ve left me kind of speechless. I mean that in a good way, I promise,” he paused for a beat. “I guess I’ve just never actually admitted it to myself, so saying it for the first time to you, it’s…”_ _

__“A lot?”_ _

__“Yeah. A lot.”_ _

__A weak smile finally replaced the scared, anxious expression that had been holding itself on Jan’s face. “You don’t have to say it. Honestly, it might be too much for me to handle anyway,” this time his laugh softened and warmed._ _

__Jackie’s body relaxed and he nodded. “But you know?”_ _

__“I know.”_ _


End file.
